This little flower child with an attitude is turning 30 tomorrow! And honestly, I don't feel like I've changed much since I was a kid (except no more belly shirts for me :) In fact, I may have had things figured out better when I was younger!
I was looking through old journals and two entries totally stood out and smacked me in the face.
One from when I was almost 17- this was the last entry in the journal after pages and pages of talking about boys, boys, boys, life sucks, schools sucks, I wish I had/was this/that- suddenly, I had this to say:
Everything dies : It is known that all living creatures who take in oxygen to live shall surely cease in existence but I've learned that thoughts and feeling, emotions and lifestyles shall surely fade away too. The pure state of being may remain, but it can never remain the same. Don't ever expect tomorrow to be the same as today cause it can't happen, and frankly, why would you want it to?
Wanting is painful : I want to go to college in Cali. I want a hot as hell, sweet, trusting, snowboarding boyfriend. I want to be a cinematographer or director. I want that new cd. I want those cute pants I saw yesterday. If you dwell on all the things that you desire, not only will you never get them, you can never possibly be happy without them. It's natural to want things that you don't have, but if you let it become a main focus in your life, the only outcome there can be is suffering.
I am important : Everywhere I go, everything I do, I make a difference. Each step, each breath, each smile or wave, it ALL matters. I affect someone or something every second of my life. My life is meaningful.
It's like, woah man! A little dark and blunt in some spots, but you had some stuff figured out, 17 year old me.
Then in a journal from college when I was about 2 weeks from my 20th birthday, I wrote this, also the last entry in that journal:
I realize I must always try to think positively, find the bright side of the situation. I can't feel bad about "not doing enough" and not pushing myself "hard" enough. I need to go with how I feel at all times and live my life in a way that is acceptable to myself, and it will thus be acceptable to others.
I must remember to breathe, chill out. If fear, stress, anger or other negative gremlins get stirred up, I must not be quick to react. Do not dismiss the feeling but regard them as a genuine emotion and consider why you feel them at a certain time.
Keep doing yoga. I'm already seeing benefits in my physical, mental and spiritual life. I feel happy and healthy. Do not make up excuses. Do no flake out on yourself. You owe it to yourself to do this one amazing thing each and every day, and you owe it to the world around you.
You can and will do great things with your life. Just stay open and listen to your heart. TRUST YOURSELF. You know what is right for you. Do not focus on other's opinions on what is best for you. You are the only one who truly knows.
Calm down. Listen. Take time to be still. Just be.
Uh, hello future Maven Circle me at 19 years old! So, so weird to read everything I'm talking about now from a journal way back then.
It's like between 20-29, with school, work, relationships, rent money due, starting businesses, moving around, aquiring 4 fur babies, a house and lots of STUFF, and trying to figure out who the hell I am and where I want to go- I kinda sorta forgot who I was, and where I wanted to go.
Life got in the way of those things I've always really believed in and known deep down to be true. And reading these entries from younger me I can't help but think, "Shit girl, why haven't you been taking your own advice all these years?"
Well I'm starting to now. I feel like my 20s were so much about acheiving, striving, searching and now it's like I've come back full circle, back to what I've always known, back to my true self.
I'm so excited and hopeful for my 30's to be more about just BEING and enjoying moment by moment. So, on that note, I'm off to go flower shopping, berry picking, antique hunting and Mexican food eating, playing a little early birthday weekday hooky with the mister! And then tomorrow, I enter a NEW DECADE! Yippee!!
Are there things you believed in when you were younger that have slipped thru the cracks of your adult life? Some advice from younger you that you haven't been taking?