We interrupt this Kitty Photo Friday for a round of juicy secrets instead!
Last night I read this post by Erin, of Design for Mankind, about the "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You" and immediately felt the need to write a post of my own. I think I'm kind of getting more of a thrill out of doing things that scare me these days.
Her post is part of an awesome challenge started by Ez, of Creature Comforts, (inspired by this awesome post by Jess LC) in an effort to combat the perfection-laden land that the blogosphere inhabits, and perpetuates!
I think it's natural to only want to share the good stuff, the brighter side of our lives. It's not easy to put out there, for literally all the world to see, our struggles, our failures, our flaws, our fears.
But that leads to most blogs becoming only one side of the story. I think they are true representations of a blogger's life, but they're only a few chapters from our entire book. Only the stuff we want to share. And feel comfortable sharing to a world full of strangers, judgement and opinion.
I've been really trying to open up over the past year about the realities of my not so good stuff, tho, because I think it's important. I've shared issues I've had around competition and stress & anxiety, about getting super overwhelmed, facing a huge fear...
It's awfully scary at first to put that stuff out there, but it has felt liberating to be more open and real and honest in this space here.
So, I'm all over this challenge. Here are a few things I feel sceered to tell you!
- I doubt myself
I doubt pretty much every decision I make right before I make it, and then again right after. And then some more. If I don't have scads of positive feedback about something, I think it sucks. I've put up posts that I thought were cool but didn't get any comments on and felt like no one liked them and deleted them. Which brings up another doubt that anyone is out there listening at all, or liking what I'm saying at all?
- I'm an out of control perfectionist with my work
(...and some other stuff) I check, and double check, and change, and triple check, and change some more, and check again. I read over everything I write til my eyes cross before I'll publish it and then FREAK OUT if I notice a typo or something later. It's annoying and paralyzing and makes everything take a long ass time.
- I'm in debt
Credit card debt. Much of which is from not paying any quarterly taxes all year long and ending up owing $XXXX come tax time and having only $XX in my savings- I paid my taxes on a credit card 3 years in a row and am still paying them off. Which means I'm also a bad bookkeeper. (I paid in quarterly finally this past year- 3 lessons learned later!) We also have some mega emergency vet bills that went on a CC, and if we were to have another pricey emergency we'd have to use a CC. I worry about being able to ever get out from under it.
FUCK CREDIT CARDS.
- I'm procrastination station
I seriously can't seem to get anything done unless it's at the last possible minute. I start most projects on the day they're DUE. On the one hand, it almost feels like I need the pressure in order to perform at my best, but I think I only say that as an excuse to keep doing it. Mostly, it stresses me out, makes things harder, makes me late for everything, makes me push deadlines. I've been doing it since little kiddom, it feels so ingrained that it's gonna be a hell of a habit to break.
FUCK "I'LL DO IT LATER."
- I feel pangs of jealousy...
...whenever a blogger publishes a book. I wanna publish a book! And I will! Someday. Problem is, I wish I had already published one. I want to already be doing book tours and speaking and have all my dreams come true, like now, when I see other people doing what I want to be doing. I know everything happens at it's own pace and have gotten better at getting distance from those jealous thoughts when they creep in, but creep they do. I also don't hang out on social media much, or read other blogs much (I mostly read during research for clients, actually!) for the same reason.
- I like to cuss in real life
- I worry about what you think of me
Yes, you. I'm worried about if you think my writing is interesing, if you think I'm interesting. I'm worried about your criticism, your judgement. I'm worried about offending you, of you never coming back. I'm worried about coming off as too "life is perfect", as blogs tend to do, or that I might sound preachy and annoying. I'm worried about whether or not you'd want to work with me, or if you think I'm doing a good job. I'm worried that I've scared some of you off with the changes here. I'm worried that I come off as a flake, because I change things up so much and am very slowly honing in on exactly what I'm meant to do. I'm worried about you not understanding me, or what I'm putting out there.
FUCK WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU.
Well, that's about all the secrets I can share in one post- phew!
I think the more we all open up with one another, the more we'll find we're not so different, afterall.
Are you going to participate in the challenge? I have to say, writing this felt pretty dang good! Hitting publish on the otherhand... (bracing for it!)